“I don’t regret the things I’ve done, I regret the things I didn’t do when I had the chance.”
Today I am able and I’ve always lived under the impression that I will be again tomorrow. I’ve had several heartbreaking lessons in my life that taught me tomorrow is never promised. So why do I always put things off that I am able to do today?
I can give you my list of excuses, it’s grown quite long over the years. However, my list isn’t special, it’s actually pathetic. I have my family, my health, good friends, a roof over my head, food on the table, clothes, etc. I know how lucky I am, even when I throw myself the occasional pity party.
But lately I’ve changed the theme of my party from pity to pissed off. I am mad at myself because I have let this list of non-excuses hold me back from trying new things. The times I have made an attempt, this list has convinced me to quit. For example, this site was created in June of 2017 and it is now April 2018. It has taken me close to a year to publish my first entry. I have typed and deleted more times then I’d like to admit. One of my many flaws is that I feel that in order for me to do something, I have to know everything about the topic. I read a bunch of information, watch a lot of videos or tutorials, write down a ton of notes and ideas, and then realize that I’m overwhelmed so I stop. My life is far from perfect. I am far from perfect and I’m fine with that. That’s why I can’t understand this mental block I have that doesn’t allow me to move forward with things that I really feel passionately about. I don’t expect perfection from anyone else, especially those in the beginning stages of a new journey. I just like to hate on myself.
Around this time last year, someone reached out to me with an idea and asked if I would be interested in working with him on a podcast. My initial reaction was no. Public speaking is a big fear of mine, one I didn’t think I could overcome. So I said yes. He told me to take a few days and think it over but I said I didn’t need it, my answer was yes. I would love to say that I was 100% confident this was for me and the opportunity squashed any doubts I may have had in the past. The reality was that the fear was still there but if I got off of that call and took time to think about it, I would have talked myself out of even trying. I would have failed at something without even attempting it. That first recording was rough but I survived. By the third or fourth episode I may have even improved slightly. The most important thing to me was that I loved what we were putting out there and whether or not I was always coherent didn’t really matter. I had finally pushed myself out of my comfort zone.
I thought that breaking out of my comfort zone would release the self-doubt and fears but it didn’t. The podcast was picking up pace which was the goal but it started moving way faster than I anticipated and more people jumped on board. So I unintentionally let fear take over again. This time I felt inadequate and that my limited availability wasn’t fair to the rest of the crew. So I pulled back. Are you sensing a theme here?
This is why I can’t have nice things! I get in my own way. I overthink things and I put too much thought into what other people think. I’ve had a few people tell me to write over the last few years and I thought they were just being nice. I struggle with compliments because all I see are the imperfections. As I muddled through this setback I realized that it’s the imperfections in others that I love the most about them. Life’s imperfections make the best stories and memories. If I’ve learned one thing as a mom, it’s that the best laid plans are just plans at best. Nothing ever goes the way you planned it and it’s those detours that make life fun and interesting. I’m starting to believe that perfection could possibly be boring.
So if I am a self-proclaimed disaster and perfection makes for a mundane life, then maybe, just maybe I can do anything or at least attempt it without the fear of what others may think. If I fail, then I fail. But I will never look back and say that I wish I would’ve just gone for it.
No more typing and erasing. No more second guessing myself and the voice that I want to share. No more worrying about what others may think or say. No more standing in my own way.